Journey to Mamahood

Similar to most of my posts, this one has also been in the works for quite some time. I started writing it when I found out I was expecting a child because I thought it might be interesting to look back on the journey and remember what it was like. Halfway through I just didn’t have the energy to keep up, so this turned into a post on my first year as a mom… a WHOLE mom y’all!!!

I should probably give a disclaimer before we get any further. My friends think I’m still traumatised about my experience and although my trauma is not as bad as it was a year ago, I don’t look back at my experience with rose tinted glasses. My journey was not great, but it wasn’t the worst either. This is simply me journaling my “oh crap!” and “why did no one tell me about this?!?” moments.

So this all started with the doctor’s WhatsApp message saying “Pregnant, Congratulations!” … yes, I received the news in a message because I didn’t go to the hospital to find out about my lab results. I only wanted to know what meds to get from the closest pharmacy so I could feel better. I remember not knowing how to feel after re-reading to confirm what I was reading was actually what I was reading.

It was a mix of disbelief and gratitude that I didn’t know how to process… not that I didn’t want to be a mom, I just didn’t think it would happen so soon after getting married. I’ve heard so much about how difficult it is to conceive, always heard about couples trying to have babies that I guess I forgot how easy it could be as well. When I got married, I had put the thought of having babies so far back in my mind that I almost didn’t feel concerned about all pregnancy related things…and I had promised myself I would never feel the pressure and disappointment of not being able to carry my own child. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had a plan to adopt a baby. My fantasies were more about having a little toddler playmate that is sleep and potty trained, and never about the pregnancy discomfort and sleepless nights… basically all the benefits and very little work…. #dontJudgeMe

Anyway…so I find out but hubby is out of the country for a few more days, and I don’t think an announcement over the phone is appropriate, so I wait until he comes back. Picking him up from the airport a few days later, part of me is tempted to say it as soon as I hug him, but I figure if I do I’ll never hear about his trip…so I calm down. I ask all about his trip and bite my  tongue until we get home… and then I burst out with the news. To my great surprise, I cry while saying it out-loud (which I always thought was too cliché by the way). I hadn’t shared the news with anyone just yet, partly afraid it was a false positive because I didn’t particularly feel different, partly too excited about the possibility of being a mom I wanted to savor the moment just by myself.

You see, I had convinced myself that I would only be slightly sad if I couldn’t have my own child, but I must admit that the relief of not having my faith tested was too great to bear in that moment. I thought about my friends who waited years to have their first born and how heavy that was for them to carry, and I realized I was not braver than they were. Too often, I had witnessed the struggle of accepting one’s womanhood when it seemed like one’s body could not do one of the basic things it was made to do: conceive and give birth, and I had somehow convinced myself I would not be bothered. But in that moment I realized I would have most definitely been heartbroken if my prayer for a child would not have been answered.

Fast-forward to the actual 40 week long journey, which ended up being 37 weeks because this boy of mine refused to wait 3 more weeks…lol. It was a loooooong journey y’all! I was completely blindsided by how difficult it was to carry a child. I promised my friends I’d share what my journey was like, with none of the “oh what a wonderful experience it was” speech…because it wasn’t pretty at all. However, since this is a very public platform, I will share mild content and you can look for me for the real tea… 🙂

1. Morning sickness is not the whole truth… it’s really more like all-day sickness! Getting out of bed is a struggle and staying in bed longer is a trap because it turns out nausea is aggravated by hunger
2. I now empathise with bank tellers who suffer from  resting b*tch face… because that is how you truly feel when you’re walking around with nausea and every smell is amplified but the world around you couldn’t care less
3. Speaking of smell, your newfound super power is smelling everything from miles away…every smell is amplified and unfortunately not in a good smell kind of way
4. Fatigue and sleep become your companions…never leaving you for one bit
5. Aches and pains in places you never thought would hurt
6. Raging hormones… to put it mildly 😀
7. Body changes… as in…phew?!
8. Did I mention never-ending bathroom trips?
9. Catching yourself walking like all those women you used to make fun of, wobbling with both hands on your back… very humbling state!
10. Worst of all? Fear and anxiety! You have to come to terms with the fact that there is nothing you can do to ensure that your baby stays alive and well. All you can do is hope and pray that your baby is healthy and you can only find out on D-Day when they hand him over to you.

Basically… a lot happens! It all happened quite slow. I was curious to find out what this little one would look like… would he have thick hair like we have in my family? Would he be born bald like his dad’s side of the family..? God forbid he be born with a combination of traits his parents have but don’t like!

But it also happened quite fast… I was struggling with feeling ready. How does one become a mom? How do I create the habits that I want him to have? (Hubby used to remind me to wear shoes around the house because that would be the only way that our child would find it important to wear shoes too). How would I know to take care of an infant? I’m fantastic with kids that can walk and talk…but babies? Not so much. What would delivery be like? Do I choose to go where I can get an epidural or do I choose the closest and “safest” hospital so I can be near my support system?

It was too many things to think about and I had very little energy to spare. So I decided I would stay near my support system and forego the wonders I used to hear about epidural. I also decided I would wait until the last couple of weeks to prepare mentally for what labor, delivery, and the first weeks with an infant were going to be like. During my 37th week appointment, the doctor told me I was now full term and could go into labor any minute and the baby would not need the incubator. I didn’t pay much attention because I figured I still had my 2-3 weeks to get ready. Two days later, I woke up feeling super heavy but it was my last day at work and I needed to wrap up a few things so I could start my maternity leave stress-free. Around 4pm I could not sit anymore and I decided to drive home and rest. A few hours later, I was officially in labor.

My husband had traveled and was supposed to be back the next day and my brother was staying with me. He’s the one who helped me sort through the baby’s clothes and google last minute all that is supposed to be in the hospital bag… yes, I was that unprepared! He called mom and they took me to the hospital, but I was still not fully grasping what was happening. There was no way I was going to deliver without my husband there… except there was. On May 11, 2019 at 8.04am (after 12 very long hours in labor) I became Ntsinzi’s mommy!

I’ve been his mommy for exactly a year today and it’s already been the thrill of a lifetime! I didn’t think one could physically feel their heart swell with love, and then swell with more love weeks later, and even more love months later. My takeaway from all of this is that it’s a God thing… from the miracle that conception is, to carrying a human being inside your body, to delivering that human through indescribable pain, to keeping that human alive, to the bond you share with that human, and everything in between.

Getting here was rough. And although I am praying for an easier journey the next time around (whenever my trauma subsides 😅), I would not trade this boy for anything in the world. I am eternally grateful for the privilege of being a mom and for the opportunity to truly love sacrificially.